Patrick Presents...

TOASTERWORKS!!!

WHO? CRAIG, COLEMAN & PAT

WHERE? Our new apartment in Newfoundland

WHEN? As soon as we get back to St. John's

WTF? Here are what toasterworks entail: We take one (1) old toaster from last year that is broken. We take two (2) very long extension cords and hook the toaster up in the middle of our backyard or in the street. We cram this toaster full of lots (a whole fucking buttload) of exploderific fireworks, then push down the handle. Then we run and watch from a safe distance behind double-pane windows.

Craig's parents are away so we were chilling out at his house a few days ago. His parents had already been gone for a few days adn for some reason there was an absurd amount of fireworks just laying all over his house. I wanted to do the toaster thing there, but Craig wouldn't let me use his new toaster, so this new plan was devised. Should be a blast.

And while I'm on the topic of fireworks, there's something else I want to do. OK yeah, so maybe it's childish, but I never played with fireworks when I was a kid, so now's the time.

What I want to do is get a long piece of string and duct tape a firework to it so that if it were dragged by the string, the "firing" end would face the dragger. Before I got any further, I've got to explain a little something about Campus Enforcement at Memorial University. They are utterly incompetent. So we harrass them. That's all you need to know.

So with anough give to the string, I tie the other end to the end of the campus enforcement patrol car outside their office, then hide behind something (this would definitely have to be a night project). Then, when they start up the car and start to drive away, I have time light the firework -- preferably a roman candle -- before the string takes it away. Within 20-30 seconds, they'll be thinking that they're getting shot at from behind. Which is funny, because we're talking Newfoundland here. In Canada. People don't get shot atin Canada! That would require guns and animosity, and -- as you know -- Canada is a country devoid of firearms and full of friendly happy people of all races, living in harmony. Really. I regularly see Jewish homosexuals and Chinese Muslims embracing in the streets. That's just how we roll in Canada.

So anyway, I'm gonna try to keep this blog up more regularly. I'm of no shortage in ideas. Just time.