I hate Hummers.

So let's see... today, today, today... what happened?

Well, I almost got the first entry into my comprehensive Hummer directory. Y'see, a few weeks ago I was thinking about how people who own Hummers are big douchebags. I mean -- how insecure do you have to be to buy a big honkin, gas-guzzling vehicle like that? In my opinion, nothing says "I have an exceedingly tiny penis" like a Hummer, with the possible exception of a crotch-rocket motorbike with the muffler removed. Though I am by no means rich, I live in a pretty well-to-do town. The Irvings (as in Irving petroleum) live a few minutes across town in this pimped out sprawl of a mansion, along with a bunch of other "old money" families and a few tech rich-O's with their fancy several-million-dollar suburban getaways. So needless to say, Hummer-jerks prevail in the area.

So I spotted one today, and followed it around for a few minutes, since I had nothing else to do. Then I realized that it was just driving into one of the richer parts of my neighborhood to check out the expensive-looking houses. So by the time I realized that the dude in the chromed up, yellow Hummer was just "checking out the competition", he'd probably seen me drive by him like three times, so I decided it was best to bail.

So what would I do with this directory? The idea was that, whenever I saw a Hummer, I would follow it to its place of residence and take down the address. After I got a bunch of them, I planned to go out some night and egg them all. Yeah, that's right -- all of them. How could any good become of that, you ask? Cause you just know that all these assholes hang out together. How I imagined it, they'd all be sitting around on one of their private beaches with their Hummers parked nearby. They'd be drinking expensive champagne while sitting around their bonfire, talking about how the municiple composting program isn't worth the hassle, all the whilst throwing more supreme-grade gasoline onto the fire. And sooner or later, those fuckers would realize that they'd all been egged. And deep inside, they'd realize that it was because each of them, for whatever reasons, was a waste of a human being.

Sorry if anyone has a Hummer. I don't hate you, but I've lost a whole bunch of respect. On second thought, don't even tell me if you do.